There’s an old idiom — “you can’t judge a book by its cover.” It’s one of the simplest and purest moral lessons we’re taught as children, encouraging us to take a closer look at something instead of forming a superficial opinion. 

Forget it. Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers is proof you can. 

In fact, you might consider forgetting morality altogether before diving into this self-indulgent foray of hedonistic and prepubescent fantasies. The game is subtitled Bikini Zombie Slayers, and contrary to the teachings of any dusty old phrases, it consists wholly of what its self-explanatory title suggests. 

You get busty chicks in bikinis slicing zombies like helicopter blades. 

That’s really all there is to it, and by this point, I can’t imagine much middle ground. You’re either appalled by the game’s unabashed sexism or giddy at the prospect of watching women jiggle while dicing zombies with swords. 

Maybe someday I’ll grow up. Until then, I bunk in the latter camp. 

Bikini Zombie Slayers picks up where the Xbox 360 game Bikini Samurai Squad left off. That said, as far as the story goes, your guess is as good as mine. Something resembling a story is told via Japanese voice overs and English text, but it seems extremely convoluted and difficult to follow. 

Once the game stops fumbling through poor plot development, you finally control Aya, a voluptuous Japanese girl who wears only a cowboy hat, a scarf and a bikini. The game’s attempts at storytelling indicate Aya has a penchant for cutting zombies into pieces and a bit of history doing it. 

During the game’s opening, zombies interrupt our introduction to Aya, who unsheathes her blades and gets to work without really explaining why. 

To be honest, that senseless charm is part of the game’s beauty. 

Onechanbara doesn’t try to be anything more than what it is, and really, that’s one of the game’s strengths. It embraces the concept and presents it with audacious flair; aside from brief and skippable scrolling text between levels, the game stands between you and the action as little as possible.

And make no mistake, the action is mindless. It’s precisely the type of brain-draining repetitive nonsense that makes video games such an easy target for  parents groups and politicians, and it offers virtually no variety whatsoever. 

Yet it still has its moments, and somehow, it’s not all that bad. 

As Aya and eventually three additional sword-wielding vixens, you work through linear stages and slash through any zombies standing in your way. Occasionally, large groups of zombies will erupt from the ground, and you won’t be able to advance until you’ve defeated each of the undead. 

These moments are the most enjoyable Bikini Zombie Slayers has to offer. The more zombies on the screen, the more opportunities to string together attacks. Landing successive hits and building up combos enables you to unleash stronger attacks, some of which cut through zombies like butter. 

Reach the end of the stage, and the chapter ends. The game continues the same way with little deviation for the duration, save for an occasional boss. 

From linear stages to one-trick-pony combat, Bikini Zombie Slayers is every bit as simple and repetitive as it seems, but it still provides a few moments of nonsensical, inexplicable fun, and it might have more if not for the controls. 

Unfortunately, it’s all about pointless, wanton Wii Remote waggling. 

Each character essentially has two main attacks. Swing the Nunchuck for one attack, and swing the Wii Remote to execute another. Don’t worry about direction or velocity; as has become the worst of Wii clichés, you need only swing the controls in whichever indiscriminate fashion you so choose. 

Clever and beneficial motion control this is not. When a Wii game has you yearning for the simplicity of button presses, it’s just not doing its job. 

Any game featuring sexy chicks wearing bikinis has an obvious, inherent need to look good, and in some respects, Bikini Zombie Slayers fits the bill. The girls' character models look great, and their animations are well done and entertaining, whether slicing up a zombie or jiggling...well, you know. 

Amidst the heat of battle, translucent globs of blood will often splatter onto the screen, too, dripping downward and creating a neat visual effect.

But more often than not, Bikini Zombie Slayers looks like a five-year-old PlayStation 2 game. This is a budget title, but it’s a shame such bland and dated graphics have become the Wii standard, and it’s more discouraging that this game looks decent compared to the rest of the system’s library. 

Still, I had no problem coming back to this game for more. To tell you the truth, I wanted to jump back into this absurdly bloody fray on more than a few occasions even after I had finished it. It’s just an entertaining game. 

Of course, it’s also an extremely flawed game. 

Don’t expect too much from Bikini Zombie Slayers. The controls are weak, the action is repetitive, the graphics are bland and the dated gameplay feels as though it was designed ten years ago for the original PlayStation. But for $29.99, there’s nothing wrong with a little mindless zombie-slicing fun. 

Especially when it involves bouncing bosoms in bikinis.
 

Gameplay: 6.0
Slicing through hordes of zombies is actually pretty satisfying, but mindlessly waving your arms to do so isn’t. Motion controls really hurt the experience. 

Graphics: 7
On both a technical and personal level, the girls look fantastic, and their animations in combat and, well, jiggling are well done. Translucent globs of blood splatter on the screen, but the environments are often a tad bland. 

Sound: 5.5
I’m not sure what techno music has to do with decimating zombies. 

Difficulty: Easy
It’s pronounced “oh-nay-chan-bar-ah.” Learn to say the title properly, and you’ll have figured out the only complicated thing about this game. 

Concept: 8.5
Hot chicks, bikinis, swords and zombies. Talk about a no-brainer! 

Multiplayer: 7.0
Cooperative multiplayer makes everything better. You could name anything, and cooperative multiplayer would invariably make it much, much better. 

Overall: 6.5
There’s nothing wrong with a little mindless fun now and again, particularly when it involves bouncing bosoms and blood-thirsty zombies. Unfortunately, mindless controller waggling scars this otherwise decent guilty pleasure.